Playing basketball is great, I’m sure we can all agree on that. Running around, getting exercise, hanging out with your mates, what’s not to like? And the people! There are so many crazy characters out there that it’s almost as fun people watching than it is to be playing. I’ve been playing for near on twenty years and here are some of the people you might meet at the local basketball leagues.

1. The person who is there every night from doors open to the last game to take the money and run the schedule. They don’t get paid enough and sometimes they don’t get paid at all. The life blood of local basketball.
2. The person in the canteen whose main job is to sell Gatorade and killer pythons.
3. The umpire who is best friends with one team and then gets rostered to officiate that team, much to the disgust of the opposition.
4. The umpire that will chat with anyone and everyone, especially while on the clock.
5. The trainee umpire who has just made four horrible calls in a row and wants to find the nearest hole to jump into.
6. The umpire who calls every ticky-tack foul. Let ‘em play!
7. The umpire who night in, night out has to break up arguments and almost fistfights.
8. The umpire who gets rostered to all the aggressive, jerk teams and has to constantly tell people to settle down and just play.
9. The girlfriend who gets dragged along to every game and either sits on her phone or is forced into doing the scoresheet even though she doesn’t quite know how to do it. Thanks babe!
10. The parent sideline coach. This mother/father knows so much more than the team’s coach and their child should be on the court more regardless of talent level.
11. The ring-in player who is far and away the best player on the court. Usually only knows one guy on the team.
12. The rest of the ring-in’s team who don’t shoot for the whole game.
13. The goliath. Usually 6’7”, 110kg, he stands out everywhere. If he has good hands he’s usually the best player on the team because no-one else is tall enough.
14. The Napoleon aka short man syndrome. Usually tries to pick a fight with anyone taller.
15. The hog/guts/black hole. We all know one.
16. The big man who hits one three pointer and thinks he’s Steph Curry and then bricks the next twenty shots.
17. The unassuming superstar. He may look like he crunches numbers all day (and probably does) but don’t slack off, he’s deadly.
18. The flopper who will embellish every bit of contact like they’ve been shot.
19. The mummy. Hopefully has a sponsorship with Elastoplast because he’s got both ankles braced, a knee guard, tape on both shoulders, finger tape and a mouth guard.
20. The young phenom who is usually 14 years old but demolishes grown men who cannot keep up with him.
21. The thermostat. He can hit five threes in the first half on his way to 30 points and win you the game or miss twelve shots in a row and lose it. Is either hot or cold, nothing in between.
22. The energetic spud. He’s always early to the game, warming up and giving people high fives. Unfortunately, he sucks. He’s all heart and no talent.
23. The team of whingers who complain about everything. EV-ER-Y-THING.
24. The team that has the best uniforms and most expensive shoes, but play in D-grade.
25. The rival. Your last game might have been fiery or you just don’t like the look of them. No matter, it’s always maximum effort against these guys.
26. The team that plays rough but sook when they get bodied up.
27. The footy players. They don’t know many of the rules and fouls out constantly. Playing to keep fit in the footy offseason.
28. The long bombers. 80% of their shots are three pointers because they don’t know anyone who is tall.
29. The And-1ers. Can do every streetball trick in the book but can’t play organised basketball.
30. The team that are on next who have shots during half time and time outs and without fail spend too much time on the court and have to be shooed off by the umpires.
31. The team of young guys who are much, much, much fitter than their opposition so win most of their games by running their opponents off their feet.
32. The group of older guys who are using basketball as an excuse to go to the pub afterwards.

They are the ones that I’ve come across, if you know of anyone else please comment below the article in the comment section.  If you’re looking to join a team at your local basketball league, click here to find your closest competition (in Victoria).